Flight crew announcements

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Electra

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Flight crew announcements
« : 17.03.2010, 18:52:22 »


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them home with our compliments.'

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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses....except for that gentleman over there on the next aisle.'

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways.'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

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And finally .....

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

Ruuhkis

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Vs: Flight crew announcements
« Vastaus #1 : 17.03.2010, 19:04:27 »

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'


 ;D

Teppo Tulppu

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Vs: Flight crew announcements
« Vastaus #2 : 17.03.2010, 19:49:29 »
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

Matkaajanainen

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Vs: Flight crew announcements
« Vastaus #3 : 17.03.2010, 20:04:20 »
Virgin Bluen pilotti: "There are 7, no, 6, emergency exits, if you find any more, please let me know. You will find more information on safety in the pocket in front of you, after reading that you'll probably know more about this aircraft than I do".

Ei tainnut ihan super-sanatarkasti mennä mutta asia oli kuitenkin tuo.  ;D
Turvademonstraatiota tekevällä henkilökunnalla ei mitenkään pokka pitänyt.
Soarele este galben

Juzt

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Vs: Flight crew announcements
« Vastaus #4 : 26.03.2010, 14:23:37 »
Southwesthän harrataa noita aika paljonkin, esim:


Noiden jo mainittujenkin lisäksi:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nu29wSpDWc&feature=related

"This 737 is equipped with floor level lighting... from IKEA."

Kuuluttava stuertti kommentoi demoa tekevää lentoemäntää:
"Ou, so natural hair color... -jotain- in the back releasing Bradi's phone number... you guessed guys, Bradi is single, she's an Aquarius, she likes little walks on the beach, spicy thai foor and for some reason she likes frolicking through neighborhood sprinklers"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYXqwHCFQF8&feature=related"
Lähtiessä:
"...and remember the last one off the plane... must clean it"

"Seatbelt should be worn just like Britney Spears' jeans, tight and low across your hips to fasten your seatbelt insert the metal end it to the buckle, the length may be changed by adjusting the strap and to release it pull the top lid of the buckle . Basically it works like every other seatbelt, and if don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised"

"The life west is located in the pouch under your seat. Should this flight become a cruise..."

"If we see you smoking we assume you're on fire, and we'll use the fire extinguishers to put you out. Smoking is punishable by a fine up to two thousand dollars, and really folks, if you wanted to be that much money, wouldn't you have flown on American?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zzat-_Y3I&feature=related
"Be careful opening those overhead bins, SHIFT does happen... Items may have shifted, you don't want a headache courtesy of Southwest Airlines, we certainly don't want to do the paperwork here in San Francisco."

"We love you, you love us,
We're much faster than the bus.
We hope you enjoyed our hospitality,
Marry one of us and you'll fly free.
...hey it's much cheaper to buy the ticket"
"I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room...
we'd never even have to go outside!"
- Joseph Francis Tribbiani

nerve

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Vs: Flight crew announcements
« Vastaus #5 : 26.03.2010, 19:36:02 »
Finskin lennoilla tapahtunutta:

Pilotti kuuluttaa lennonjohtoon tarkoitetun viestin vahingossa matkustamoon. Matkustajat vilkuilevat hämmästyneenä lentoemoa, johon hän olkia kohauttaen toteaa, että: Tapahtuu sitä virheitä kapteenillekkin.

Matkustamon kaiuttimista kuuluu tavallisuudesta poikkeava ääni, nuori lentoemo katsahtaa vanhempaa työtoveriaan ja kysyy: Mikä ääni tuo oli?
Kävele niin kauan, että alkaa tuntumaan hyvältä.

Ruuhkis

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Vs: Flight crew announcements
« Vastaus #6 : 21.11.2010, 22:03:00 »
7 varmaa tapaa suututtaa lentoemäntä

"Hymyilen, kun on pakko."  ;D




nansikka

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